The Wrath Against Gripes

THIS IS America, so we can call politicians just about any name we want, although "politician" usually does just fine.

For example, we can call Democratic state Sen. Jim Costa of Fresno County a tool of agribusiness, an enemy of free speech and, of course, a politician.

But heaven help us if his bill passes and we disparage California asparagus.

The bill he's sponsoring, SB1334, has been described as a veggie hate-crime bill. It would require the state to document losses caused by "disparaging statements" about agricultural products. The idea is to explore a law protecting vegetables from the mental anguish of being slandered.

To get both sides of this, I called some of those who have been defamed, the tasteless California tomatoes at the local supermarket, but they were unavailable for comment.

If the big ag boys at the Western Growers Association get their wish, you, I, and especially any food safety organization would be liable to be sued for defaming California fruits, vegetables, cheese, fish or meat.

Smile when you say, "It's the cheese." Or else.

George Bush would have to take a heaping serving of broccoli without a single sentence fragment of complaint to Bar.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals would have to stifle their road rage against the Wienermobile, as long as Oscar Mayer takes the legal precaution of putting some California cattle parts through the grinder.

Consumers and farm workers would have to stop complaining about pesticides on their fruits and vegetables. That seems to be the real goal of the law.

Shut up and eat your Alar, or we'll sue you.

Agricultural interests have influenced the legislatures of 12 states to pass these "veggie libel" laws. A Texas cattleman has launched a federal lawsuit against Oprah Winfrey under a 1995 law that protects agricultural products from slander. It may be a precedent-setting test of the right to beef about beef.

Oprah's offense was telling her audience last year that mad cow disease "stopped me from eating another burger."

Now the nation is swept with mad grower disease. These are the kind of guys who complain about political correctness, lawyers and the government, yet they've whipped up a small stampede of lawyers and politicians to trample us with their notions of agricultural correctness.

You can't blame the growers for being mad, given all the foolish food fears that regularly sweep America. But they want to grind up the First Amendment to save profits.

Griping, complaining and disparaging are great American pastimes, but they're going the way of rockers on the front porch.

We already have to keep our mouths shut about sex, race, social class and management doofuses, and now we can't speculate about why California strawberries look so great but taste like wet Kleenex.

If you can't criticize what's on your plate, what can you criticize?

Next thing you know, professional sports franchises will induce the politicians in their luxury boxes to pass team disparagement laws. Boo Dennis Rodman, go to jail.

Which brings up the subject of fruits and nuts, and California's most disparaged agricultural product.

Let's just say the justices of the U.S. Supreme Court have spent a long, hard day putting medicinal marijuana to various constitutional tests, and after munchies and giggling, they allow veggie disparagement laws to stand.

How then do we maintain our right to keep and bear grudges against spinach?

Strategy one: Take to the hills with the foodie militia. We can live in cabins with wood-fired ovens making pesticide-free pizza topped with cheese from our own goats, whom we'll insult any way we please.

Strategy two: Try to extend the protection of the fruit defamation law to California's most famous crop of fruits and nuts, the citizenry. Hey, our feelings get hurt more easily than those of a can of almonds.

Next time some Eastern social critic or stand-up comic uses the slanderous agricultural metaphor, he'll be slapped into court to justify the accuracy of his statement about "California fruits and nuts" in front of a typical jury of UFO abductees and vegans. This could tie up the courts for years.

Strategy three: This is the one that will kill the agricultural defamation law for sure. The San Francisco district attorney and Cannabis Buyers Club can sue those who slander California's most profitable cash crop.

So you say marijuana isn't good for what ails a lot of people? So you say it's as addictive as heroin, cocaine and cigarettes?

Well, you're just going to have to prove it, buddy, or you'll wish you were wearing a paper hat at McDonald's, spilling hot coffee through the drive-thru window.

This is the dawning of the Age of Asparagus.

9/5/97